1 or 2?

December 20, 2015  by RJMS  •  Friends

It seems the holiday season always brings this kind of issue to the fore. A friend of mine sent me this on Christmas last year:

I am comfortable with being “alone” most of the time.  But there’s definitely a comfort in having someone “always around.” Work has provided me with the human contact we all prefer be a to part of our life.
I lived with a guy named Jerry this summer.  We rode motorcycles together.  He lived in a beautiful house (filthy, till I cleaned it) in the woods, complete with marijuana garden and private creek, nice cars, motorcycles, 4 wheelers.  He was instantly in love with me.  We had a wonderful two months.   It was like a dream come true.  There is a lot to be said for having someone there – someone to come home to – someone to go out with – someone to crawl into bed next to every night – someone who asks you how your day was, everyday.  It’s beautiful and comforting.  But it’s not everything.  I was suicidal through all of it.
One day we were out riding together and the next day he couldn’t get out of bed and six weeks later he was dead.
Nothing is certain in life.  I think the only real peace is to be found inside oneself.  I just haven’t figured out how yet.
Love, Sara

I wrote back:

Maybe it is everything. Maybe if you have it long enough and it leads to a place of contentment (not resentment). Maybe if you decide it is enough.
I have only had brief moments of it, similar to this experience of yours last summer. A few months. 18 once. The memories of what it felt like are what make me want it again. Now it seems it is too late. I don’t expect it will happen now, women my age are too pragmatic and practical. They want the security of a house they own, maybe a cool car, often lots of stuff.  And most of all grandchildren. Always the children. And the dog. A lot of dogs.
Both of which offer unconditional love. Of course. Makes sense.
hmmm.
Stuff is meaningless. Motorcycles excepted.
On Saturday I spent the day making soap. Now that feels good. Why is that?
Maybe alone is enough. Maybe simply accepting what is, instead of wanting what is not.
Have a merry day.
love,
-b